Creating a Meaningful Holiday Season with Tami Anastasia

Tami Anastasia: 0:00

There's a lot of expectations from family friends, if you've always been the person who did a, b, c, and d, we have to honor you now, and respect your limitations. And more importantly, the caregiver has to give themselves again permission to accept their limitations to limitations don't mean I'm failing limitations don't mean that you're a bad person. Limitations just means my life has changed. And I have to find other ways to be able to take care of myself as well as the person that I'm taking care of who has dementia.

Barbara Hament: 0:37

Below and welcome to dementia discussions, the podcast for and about caregivers. If you'd like to share your caregiving story with me, I'd love to hear it. Please call me at 310-362-8232 or email me at dementia discussions.net. Today on the show, I am thrilled to welcome Tammy Anastasia, I met Tammy at an aging Life Care Association Conference. So while ago, Tammy is a consultant, she is an educator, she has a private practice with clients all over the country. She is also the expert for Ask the Expert for the dementia Society of America. And more. Tammy, welcome to the show. What else do you do? Please tell us

Tami Anastasia: 1:25

well, thank you for having me. It's a pleasure to be here. Yeah, so I'm also the author of essential strategies for the dementia caregiver, I wrote a book primarily for the dementia caregiver, the person taking care of a loved one or anybody with dementia, and walk them sort of through the journey from the beginning to end. And it's chock full of strategies, how to deal with the behavioral changes, cognitive changes. And some of the material also is not only for my private practice, but also I facilitate several caregiver support groups. And then I also do a lot of speaking events, educational speaking events all over. So thank you for having me on this podcast.

Barbara Hament: 2:05

absolutely happy to have you. And we are going to have you back and talk about your book because it's wonderful. I have bought it and read it. It's terrific. So I look forward to that. Thank you. Here it is, it's December, and we have just come off of thanksgiving and who better really to talk about the holidays and holiday tips and tricks, then you I know you have a whole presentation on this. And I'd love to hear some of the things you talked about in your presentation. But let's just kind of put it out there, right that holiday time is different, lots of expectations through this time of year. It's tough. It's a stressful time, especially as you're a caregiver. So let's just kind of start there.

Tami Anastasia: 2:48

Sure, in my practice, and in my support groups, the holidays can bring up a lot of mixed feelings, the holidays can be a time for celebration. And yet it can be also a time of feeling sadness and loss, sadness and loss either for somebody that you're missing, who has already passed away, or the sadness and loss of the person you're caring for, to see how they're declining. And so I always try to help caregivers during this time of year, what things can we do that would still make it a meaningful holiday. One of the things that I highly recommend is not to compare past holidays with this year, every year is a new year, be very, very careful about the expectations you place on yourself in terms of having to meet these old traditions that you've had in place for years and years. And now it may just be more difficult to do that. But really requires not only changing your expectations, but also making modifications, doing things differently. And I always say simplify. So a couple questions that I like caregivers to ask themselves, especially during this holiday season is first of all, what can you do that would make this holiday meaningful for you and for your loved one? And that may look very different than yours before? So what is one thing you could do this holiday season, that would be easier on you? What's one thing you'd be willing to change to make this holiday season easier? And you're in total control of what that is what that choice is what you want that to be? Then the other thing I often ask caregivers to think about and to ask themselves is what is one tradition you could modify this year? Let's say you always go up and you cut down a tree or whatever you're celebrating during the holidays, whether it be Hanukkah or Christmas or whatever. What is one tradition you could modify. For example, if you go all the way up to all the way up, I live up on the mountains. If you go and cut down a Christmas tree or you go to a tree lot and you bring a live tree and maybe that's too hard this year, maybe we instead we put up a wreath Maybe instead, we just put up a few lights in the home in a room that you spend the most time with your loved one. Maybe one thing we do advise, especially when you're caring for a loved one with dementia is not to use real candles that we use these battery operated candles instead lights, It's just safer. But what could you modify? Maybe you don't do the whole meal, or you delegate delegate it to somebody else. So that's a question I really like caregivers to ask themselves too. And again, you're in control of that choice and what it is you want to do, then the next thing we have to look at is what is realistic for your loved one living with dementia. A lot of times we want to force it to happen the way it's always happened. And it can be very stressful, it can be very upsetting for the person living with dementia because they can get overstimulated, but we want to also include them in the holiday season. Another thing that I encourage caregivers to think about is let's still capitalize on the abilities that your loved one living with dementia can still do. But we have to again, modify those activities at a level that they can achieve them. So let's say your mother used to cook a lot. And now your mom can't cook a lot. However, could your mother participate in the cooking with you. So maybe you cut up the vegetables, we give mom the vegetables and mom gets to put them in the pot, mom gets to stir them in the pot. Or maybe your loved one can roll the cookie dough, right? And help you decorate the cookies. But we still want to include them and make them feel connected and still have them enjoy the festivities to the best of their ability. And it's a fine line between knowing what that is. So we don't give them a task that's too complicated, then they get frustrated because it reinforces what they can't do. And then it's so simple. They say this is insulting, right? Why are we doing this so that this is ridiculous. But think about sensory things that can make them feel included too. Right? We have this cinnamon smell gingerbread smell pine needles from a tree sensory. So sometimes clients will share with me my loved one is nonverbal now and isn't very communicative. How can I include them in the holidays? Well, let's think about we call it aromatherapy. But that we bring the traditions to them in terms of smells, or touch. So these are just different ways. Other ideas that some of my clients are doing their loved ones going to put the gifts in the stocking, they might help them with the wrapping and all they have to do put the tape on what little ways can we encourage the person living with dementia to participate in the holidays with you? How can we make this a meaningful and festive holiday for you, that doesn't overwhelm you and doesn't create more stress. And I think it's really just being honest, giving yourself permission. I just did a tic toc. I said, my wish for you is to give yourself permission to say no, my wish to you is to give yourself permission to let go of things that you don't want to do that you can't do and embrace the things that you want to do. And you enjoy doing give them permission to say I'm going to do things differently this year.

Barbara Hament: 8:26

Mm hmm. And I think you started by saying not comparing this year to last year. Yeah. And I agree that sort of taking into account that dementia is progressive. The last year, maybe you're right, maybe your mom hosted Christmas, maybe your dad was able to your spouse was able to carve the turkey and whatever the meal is that sort of thing. And this year, they cannot do that.

Tami Anastasia: 8:48

And I think also the other pieces, as I often say, except what is acceptance doesn't necessarily mean it has to be bad. It different can be a good thing. You might want to start new traditions, you might want to start a new ritual. There's a client of mine and used to lead the choir every year during the holidays. Well, now we bring the music to her. They sing along in the house, and or just cams the music. There's ways to make modifications, letting go of what was can be very sad on many levels. But it also opens the door to say but what is what can I do to still make this a meaningful holiday in some way?

Barbara Hament: 9:35

There are ways to do that. Yes. What are the art of oftentimes the holidays involves travel. Sometimes with a person with dementia, you cannot travel anymore. Right? You're right. You're right. Oftentimes, it's people coming now over to your house, make doing something simple, whatever or leaving a person home with a caregiver or perhaps Yep, going out to the holidays. They can look different, and that's oftentimes sad but I can either opening to a new way to do

Tami Anastasia: 10:01

things exactly. And I think that's what we have to give ourself permission. What was old traditions will always live in our heart and our spirit, right. But it also opens up the door to create new and meaningful moments. Because we don't know day to day, year to year, things just change. And also, there's a lot of expectations from family, friends, if you've always been the person who did a, b, c, and d, we have to honor you now. And respect your limitations. And more importantly, the caregiver has to give themselves again, permission to accept their limitations to limitations don't mean I'm failing limitations don't mean that you're a bad person. Limitations just means my life has changed. And I have to find other ways to be able to take care of myself as well as the person that I'm taking care of who has dementia. And like you mentioned, it's a progressive disease, right? It's a progressive brain damage slowly over time,

Barbara Hament: 11:04

we always think about kind of the loss change often feels like loss, like you were saying, kind of losing the tradition that you've always done. We're holidays, wherever they always used to be, and maybe that changes, but maybe, like, maybe we can think about, are there ways that you can make the holidays better? And

Tami Anastasia: 11:22

factor in the person with dementia? That's what we have to factor in dementia is a life altering, life altering. Yes, there are things that we can do to make the holiday better for you, as well as the person living with dementia, one of the things we recommend is to maintain as much of a consistent routine as possible, we tend to go crazy this time of year. But if you can maintain a consistent routine that is hugely helpful, not only for you, but as well as the person living with dementia, because routine is what gives them a sense of safety gives them a sense of security, predictability is not going to throw me off course too much. And a lot of times, as you see, when dementia progresses, the person can start getting anxious about change, anxious about leaving their home. I don't know where anybody is on the scale of progression. But we have to take our cues from the person living with dementia, what's their threshold? What are their limitations? What can they handle and can't handle, one of the things that does happen is they can get easily overstimulated. So what are some things we can do about that always have a little private area, private room private area for the loved one living with dementia, to be able to go to, we may want to set up what we call a buddy, a holiday buddy, or two or three, that person may in very small doses, right can entertain your loved one, maybe your niece, Jamie can go and take talk to your husband for 30 minutes for a little bit. Or they could watch a holiday movie, or they could talk about reminiscing about past holidays. And that buddy frees you up to go and mingle and spend more time with family and friends that maybe you haven't had an opportunity to do that with name tags. I love the idea of name tags, the person living with dementia, you don't have to have a person living with dementia to have name tags, name tags is such an inclusive, such a nice way of connecting. You may have a family friend that you haven't seen in a long time. But name tags for people living with dementia is hugely helpful. And it minimizes oh my gosh, my loved one may not remember who I am, my loved one may not know remember my name. And here's that beautiful name tag and everybody's got a name tag. And it's a real nice way I think of connecting and giving people an opportunity just to say Oh, well it Sally and blah, blah, blah, and oh, it's Bob and blah, blah, blah. And it's a great idea.

Barbara Hament: 14:02

And it sort of saves you from the embarrassment, right?

Tami Anastasia: 14:05

That's exactly, let's just turn it off. Something else that's very beneficial to is when you are having family and friends a gathering. It doesn't matter, especially during the holiday season doesn't have to necessarily be at Christmas Eve or during Hanukkah is specific days, anytime during the holiday season. If someone's going to come by, it's always nice to tell them in advance the family and friends what to expect with your loved one. They could have seen them three years ago, four years ago, five years ago, or even six months ago or a year and now they've changed again. They're not as talkative they're more withdrawn. Maybe they walk with a walker now, so it preps me in terms of what to expect when I come in as the guest and also tell me things that your loved one likes to still do or talk about again reminiscing therapy. We talk a lot about that, or music. It's just a way of engaging them on their level. What is their tolerance? Can they handle me for 30 minutes? Or is their tolerance? 20 minutes? Five minutes? Or an hour or two? Right? That information is super, super beneficial for me to have.

Barbara Hament: 15:20

Absolutely, yeah, great ideas. And we know that being with family, look, holidays are not the unless can push our buttons, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Tami Anastasia: 15:30

In the webinar that I did, I have a thing about give yourself permission to stay away from as much negativity as possible. And then someone on the present on when I was doing the webinar said, Well, what do you do if it's your family, and it just said, just try to minimize the interaction? Do other activities that keep you busy and preoccupied and minimize the interaction? Don't engage in conversation, if it's going to upset you just minimize as much as possible, have them sit at the other end of the table, have somebody else entertain them more often? Unfortunately, family, especially the family caregiver, what's really unfortunate is the family caregiver needs as much support as possible from other family members. And many times they don't get that from their own family. Well, I talked to dad and dad sounds great. Well, sure, for 10 minutes that he can sound great. But come and live with this for 24/7 For the next five days. It's yeah. And I think families need that support. The family caregiver needs that support. So you always have someone who knows it all. And someone who the end, they're the least educated about dementia often right? And very little. And

Barbara Hament: 16:41

I understand it's across the country. Yeah, yeah. Yeah,

Tami Anastasia: 16:45

it's very painful to see somebody you love. You don't want to believe what you hear or see. Right? It's very hard. And I understand that. But we have to honor and respect the family caregiver who's with that person. 24/7. Right. major decisions, all the major responsibilities are in their lap. So how do we make this a joyous holiday for the family caregiver who's providing so much love so much care? So much support? How can we help the family caregiver make this a more meaningful, joyous and festive holiday for them?

Barbara Hament: 17:21

And oftentimes, you're right, maybe that means not having the holiday at their house. So if it's your mom and dad, and your dad has dementia, maybe it's saying, Mom, how about this year, we come to my house? Right? Yeah, more? How about we go to a restaurant? How about we cater it, how about we order in, it doesn't matter in the scheme of life doesn't matter. If you've brought the food in from the local grocery store, or you've made it yourself, you want to be together.

Tami Anastasia: 17:48

Or maybe we just sit hot chocolate together and sit side by side and we watch a holiday movie, it can take on so many different forms. And I think here again, yes, we're raised with a lot of traditions. But we're also we got to give ourselves permission, we can start our own traditions, we can change it every year, I can change it anytime I want. I have a family member with dementia. And so we make changes accordingly. And several years ago, my father passed away during the holidays. And I still do things that specifically with him in mind that we did together when I was younger. And it's a way of me feeling connected to my father during the holiday season. So there's things that we can do when we set out to do them and give ourselves permission that it's okay to change. And I think that's the key. It's okay to change your mind. It's okay to modify traditions to come up with new rituals. Every year, mine is different. But every year with my father, there is something I do consistently two things, hot chocolate, and I watched the old animated, Frosty the Snowman. And then one of my favorite things to do, and I always keep him in mind is to go look at lights, go look at decorations. I love seeing menorahs in the window, I love seeing the different holiday decorations. And I feel connected to my father that way I can explain it to the world don't need to explain it to the world. It's something that just warms my heart. And it's just meaningful to me. And that's what I think what's meaningful to you can be very different for anybody, but how and what can you do this holiday season on a very simple, small scale that will touch your heart that will make you smile that will make you feel good. And yet how can we also do that for the person living with dementia. As dementia progresses, we have to bring things to them in a way that resonates with them. And the changes the cognitive changes, the behavioral changes, the physical changes even right, and there's ways to do that. And it doesn't always have to be A big and huge could be holding hands.

Barbara Hament: 20:03

Yeah, they can bring the bringing out the menorah. Like I said, I'm talking about Hanukkah, bringing out the menorah you've always used, bringing out the Christmas ornaments that have always hung. It doesn't have to be anything big and grand. But yeah, you're right. Something that oh, you remember the and saying the prayers for holiday? You know, right. And some people that's long term memory, like a lot of people with dementia can bring that up? Yes,

Tami Anastasia: 20:26

absolutely. Some people start a holiday journal write something just for this holiday. What are memorable things that happened this holiday season. Another thing I was thinking to sometimes small or much, much smaller gatherings can be more meaningful than the larger gatherings by all means. I think the key is, how do we simplify the holidays, when you're taking care of a loved one, living with dementia? Yeah, still make it meaningful for yourself. One year, a client took all the Christmas cards and hung them because she didn't have the energy and her husband always used to put up all the lights. So we got some string. And we took all of the Christmas cards that she received. We hung them all throughout the house, she had like 3030 cards, 40 cards, and we got to break them up and put them into like we did an archway of the hallway. And then we put little something up in her kitchen and we put a little something up wherever they she spent the most time. This is one of my favorites. When COVID Hit her mother's 90 years old COVID hit, they're like oh my God, they are super social. And they couldn't go out anywhere. So she came up with a holiday activity calendar to this day still implements it. And for the whole month of December, starting on the first till the 31st. There is something that they do every single day. And I actually implement that for myself, I love that it could be the same thing five, five times in a row, right? It doesn't matter what it is. But again, allow the holidays to be what you want them to be in a way that simplifies and doesn't create more stress and make you feel more overwhelmed.

Barbara Hament: 22:21

Yeah, that's a good very good point, bringing down the stress level.

Tami Anastasia: 22:25

One of the best ways to do that, that I really encourage my clients is, when you hear yourself say should I should do this, I should do that I should do this sh o u l d, when I should, should, should should often are unrealistic expectations that you're placing on yourself. The way to modify those expectations is to replace the word should sh o UL D with what can I do? What do I want to do? What will I do? And it will convert those unrealistic expectations and make them more realistic. And if you think about it, most of us like doing things we want to do. Most of us like doing things we can do. Most of us avoid the shoulds like no tomorrow should just make you feel bad. Exactly. Yeah, what can I do? And if you can convert them, those are the things you do, what can I do? What do I want to do? And what will I do? Makes me in the driver's seat and gives me more control where should make us feel out of control.

Barbara Hament: 23:33

There are things that we do during the holidays every year, and are there ways to kind of still keep those traditions but taking into account a person with dementia and their limitations,

Tami Anastasia: 23:45

there is actually you're going to notice that the person you're caring for with dementia will have good times of day and not such a good times of day. There's a term called sundown syndrome, that usually towards the end of the day, around three o'clock, four o'clock when the day starting to set. Sometimes people living with dementia can get agitated can get very anxious. So when it comes to the holidays, and engaging them in activities, try to do it during times of day that you know are best for them. You'll notice a lot of people do meals late and maybe if we're going to participate with somebody living with dementia, we do it much earlier in the day. But their best is when their best time of day is and I'm gonna guess it's late between late morning maybe and be done by maybe three o'clock. Yeah, and again, this varies from person to person, depending on how dementia has progressed. But we still want to keep them engaged. Let's capitalize again. What's their best time of day. And if you really want to go somewhere and your loved ones not in a position to be able to go with you and Again, let's bring someone in to entertain your loved one to be with your loved one. So it does free you up to go out and do the things that you may want to do. That makes a huge difference too, because the family caregiver can start to resent feeling confined and feeling like they're missing out. And I think the other thing I need to bring to everybody's attention to this time a year can make you feel very lonely and isolated. And this time of year is really important to try to connect to people. And for those people who are not taking care of a loved one living with dementia who may be listening to this, and you have a friend or a relative who is please reach out to the person who is taking care of a loved one with dementia. And those who are family caregivers caring for a loved one with dementia, don't wait for people to reach out to you. There's little things the old saying is sometimes when we do things for others that makes us feel better about ourselves. Well, just even sending a note, I'm thinking of you this holiday season or just want to let you know I love you. I know we may not be in contact much. But no, you're in my thoughts all the time. What things can you or we do to still remain connected, because this time of year can be caregivers already feel isolated and lonely. Now the holidays come and it can intensify those feelings. So it's really important to still reach out and try to connect with others.

Barbara Hament: 26:28

Yeah, cannot agree with the more Absolutely, this is a time when people feel so alone and lonely. Even if you've never had a caregiver before. Yeah, to bring in a caregiver, perhaps it is just like you said, to get out to be able to get out and not feel alone home like stuck taking care of a loved one, to hire someone to come in so that you can go to that gathering, whatever it is family gathering, friend, gathering, whatever it is, be there so that you're a happier person so that you're not feeling so kind of stuck in a rut. And

Tami Anastasia: 27:04

then resenting that can't get out, I can't go and do these things. And again, for those people who aren't in the shoes of a family caregiver, try to reach out and engage them. Let that person say no, what we find happening is friends and family go away. They're not in touch as much they don't know how to. They don't know. Well, they said no, that's okay. They said no, but boiboi Letting people know that you're thinking of them to me goes a long way. Just just saying it or sending a message, right? Leaving voicemail send a card, I'm thinking of you, I miss you goes a long way.

Barbara Hament: 27:39

Oh, absolutely. Or send a text Yeah, pick up the phone, just anything reach out to people, it doesn't

Tami Anastasia: 27:45

have to be elaborate. Just I'm thinking of you, by miss you. Or even I remember the time we it brings a smile to your face, or you laugh about it, or you think oh my god, what were we thinking

Barbara Hament: 27:59

and an old picture that from years ago, remember this? Exactly.

Tami Anastasia: 28:04

Everybody's gonna have different things. I have a client current client, and we talked about the holidays, and her husband was in construction. And now he can hardly do much of anything in terms of I hand coordination. So we're gonna try to do a gingerbread house and see how we might be able to engage him really simplify the activities. But given his personality and who he was, we're just gonna see what happens. So we take into consideration a lot of who that person is. And yet again, make sure that the activity we've already talked about three or four different ways, we want him to feel successful. We want him to feel that he achieved something. And then we have this decoration, this ornament, we'll call it. That's just the reminder of liquid I achieved this year. Look what I did. Look what I built. A lot of times on a ladder. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. A lot of times we forget that people living with dementia. A lot of times the reasons they don't do something is they may not understand how to do it. They may not be able to process what you're asking them to do. They lose what we call their sequential memory. I can't do things in a sequence anymore. And so a lot of times it's demonstrating or doing the activity with them, or we have to help set it up. Apathy sets in and they lose the ability to motivate themselves. So how can we include them invite them? I was thinking it would be so much fun if you and I did blah, blah, blah, and I really don't want to do it alone. Would you do it with me? Ways of inviting me? It's really hard to turn down and doing something when you make me feel important or special are really good at it.

Barbara Hament: 29:51

Absolutely. Yeah. The Car Guy let's take a drive and go see the lights. Yes, yes. Set the lights up elaborately on our house anyway. We can just go and take a drive and see them. That's

Tami Anastasia: 30:02

a great example that reminds me last year, I got an email from someone and said, Tammy, I have to say, this probably has been the best year with my mother living with dementia. I suggested if she's still mobile, and it's not too hard to put her mom in a car, I always asked my clients tell me about your loved one. And there was just something that she said, I said, I just wonder if we can get assistance to put your mother in the car? Would you be willing to go look at lights? Well, they did that. And she said, I have not seen my mother light up in the last four or five years like she did going to look at the lights. Sweet. Yeah, yeah. And she says, I'm sorry that the holiday season's gonna be over, I don't know what I'm going to do to still bring that joy and that she took her out, can you believe it every single night. And they would go out for a drive, and then turn on the music in the car. And they would go by just different neighborhoods for a while it was the same neighborhood. And mom just lit up to the littlest things. Yeah, yeah. That was music to my ears.

Barbara Hament: 31:17

Great story.

Tami Anastasia: 31:18

It's a lovely story. That's the nice thing. We hear a lot of really beautiful things. And then we do get a lot of things that are hard and sad. And how do we embrace it, to go beyond what it is and make it more significant and valued in a different way?

Barbara Hament: 31:39

Because you can stay in the sadness, right? We all could we all have traditions in the past that we don't do anymore. Yeah, we're all getting older. And instead of staying in the sadness, you're right. To come up with ideas come up with ways to turn a turn it around in our own in our minds what we can still do,

Tami Anastasia: 31:58

or find ways to comfort that sadness. I remember the first year my father passed away, and it was during the holiday season. People pretended like, well, they don't want to, they don't want to talk about it. And I said, You know what, I'm gonna make this what I need to make it to feel connected to my father, well, they don't want to bring up your father, and you don't have your father with you this year. And he was he just enjoyed the holiday season. And I'm like, people didn't know how to handle it. When I said, Yeah, I'm gonna do this. And I'm going to celebrate my father. And this is what I'm going to do. They're like, really, like they're afraid to talk about it. So I wanted to find ways to comfort the sadness. We cannot tell people not to feel sad, you're going to feel sad. We cannot tell people not to feel resentful. They may feel resentful. But what do we do with those feelings? How do we comfort our feelings? How do we honor our feelings? And find a way to make peace with those feelings within ourselves? And how can I embrace things differently? That honor my sadness, or honor the resentment, but that I give myself permission to feel the feelings because that's the other thing. People feel horrible that they feel a, b, c and d. Know, it's okay to feel this way? How do we bring comfort to the way you feel? And people telling us not to feel that way? doesn't help either? Oh, exactly.

Barbara Hament: 33:20

So let yourself feel sad. Be in the sadness. It's okay.

Tami Anastasia: 33:24

And how do I comfort my feeling? Right? So I like to think of the holidays as an opportunity that comfort that sadness and those feelings. I often say to people identify the joys of the holidays. Is it looking at light? Is it sipping on hot chocolate? Is it making a gingerbread house? Is it lighting candles? Is it putting up a tree a wreath? Is it just maybe putting up some ornaments in a room or maybe just some certain decorations? I have another client and she wasn't able to do the things that she normally could. So I went over one day and I said, All right. What are your favorite holiday ornaments or decorations? I must have put out a dozen decorations. We didn't do the big tree. But she was a Charlie Brown fan. And we had these musicals. And I said, Okay, where do you want this? Where do you want that? And I'll tell you, I couldn't wait to go and see her. It was so magical in that room when I would go and visit her. Well. You don't need all of it. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. I said I want you to tell me your favorites. And I'm telling you we worked out of like five bins big where she stored everything. And I just love to go through it. You point to me your favorite. We mark them, we mark them. We pulled them out. You know we did it over a two week period. But point being is she was feeling sad. She couldn't do the things she was used to doing and I said let's see what we can do together to make this a joyous holiday for you just by looking at her ornaments and the ones that were super, super important to her that either there was music, I made sure to put them near her where they were an arm's reach at. Exactly. So she could turn them on. Exactly. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, a nice holiday for her. Oh, yeah, she recently passed away. And I often think about her room that we decorated with those special, I'll call them ornaments, to core, whatever we can do to help is what I think it's is important. And figure out ways like I said, sometimes, this is a time of year with a lot of mixed feelings, I want to enjoy the celebration, I want to enjoy the festivities. Oh, another thing I really encourage clients to do is to take a 10 minute, we've got 31 days in December, of course, I encourage people to do this every day of the year, but certainly during the holiday, to take a 10 minute timeout and do something festive, do something that is enjoyable, do something that would be really meaningful on a daily basis for 10 minutes, just 10 minutes, you're busy, you're exhausted, you're tired. And you take 10 minutes, and instead of saying what I don't have time for instead say, What can I do for 10 minutes today, that would be festive, enjoyable, nurturing, make a conscious effort to take that time out. Just a reminder that you're as important as the person you're taking care of. But I especially ask people to do that every day of the year. But when it comes to the holiday season, I try to encourage people to really do that. Because really, in so many ways the caregivers are they are the backbone to caregiving. And they are gifts to us. They are a gift to the people that they are caring for. So I want caregivers to be a gift to themselves by taking 10 minutes, timeout and doing something lovely to cherish the people they are. So that could

Barbara Hament: 37:10

be like put on your favorite Christmas Carol. Yep. And sing along for 10 minutes. Yeah, I don't know, I'll take a 10 minute shower or whatever, was something that you can do really to nourish yourself or sip on some eggnog or?

Tami Anastasia: 37:24

Exactly, yeah, there's so many things we have no control over. And taking a 10 minute timeout is a reminder that I want to do something kind and loving, compassionate for myself, a little goes a long way. And that 10 minutes gives you some time to rest. It gives you body and your mind time to rejuvenate itself. And it allows you to destress but it's just enough time for you to take a break from the demands and the challenges and the responsibilities. And what better time of year to do it than during the holiday season to remind yourself, you are a gift to those who know you you are a gift to those that you take care of. You are a gift to the universe, for the things that you do day in and day out. And caregivers have a hard time hearing that they are gifts. But every person is a gift.

Barbara Hament: 38:22

Absolutely. And maybe that's doing nothing maybe that it's doing absolutely nothing for 10 minutes. Yeah,

Tami Anastasia: 38:29

but I think this is a good time of year to remind people of how special and what a gift they are in our lives. You don't have to be a demented caregiver to do that. But boy, when you are a dementia caregiver, let's go out of our way to remind that person what a gift they are to the universe because they are right. Absolutely

Barbara Hament: 38:49

they are. So please listeners take 10 minutes for yourself and do something nourishing for you take care of yourself however you can whatever that means to you. Please do that. Because you're right. Tammy mentioned caregivers are a gift, celebrate. Yes, and a gift to them without you. The person you're caring for would not be where they are.

Tami Anastasia: 39:14

And I know caregivers struggle with that to getting those compliments and acknowledging what a gift they are. But, you know, everybody is a gift. And you're an exceptional person. When you take the time to love and care for a person living with dementia and even if that means we have to move them into a care home. Oh, absolutely. They struggle with those decisions at this time of year. I just want them to take a little time out and truly embrace and appreciate who they are. We don't get that opportunity often enough. And I always like to use this time of year as a way of reinforcing that. And it's caregivers all over the world. It's not Not just Dementia Caregivers, it could be anybody who's a caregiver or caring for a loved one. For any reason.

Barbara Hament: 40:07

Me, thank you for being here today. So appreciate you your wisdom, your guidance, your kindness, your time and effort and energy to to me to this show to your clients to all of us who have learned from you over the years. So thank you.

Tami Anastasia: 40:23

Well, thank you and thank you for doing the podcast and the work that you do. And happy holidays. Happy holidays and wonderful holiday season

Barbara Hament: 40:32

to you to have a good month. Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, happy new year,

Tami Anastasia: 40:36

all of the above to you as well.

Barbara Hament: 40:38

Thank you. Remember that you can follow dementia discussions on Apple podcasts, Spotify, Google podcasts, and many more. If you listen on Apple podcasts, it would mean a lot if you would leave me a review. For any other information about this podcast please visit me at dementia discussions.net and please share this podcast with someone you know if you think it may help. Thanks again for listening. And I'll see you here again next time on dementia discussions.